Dr Oliver Shaw

& some other thoughts

I woke up to the sound of the sweetest birds, this morning, their high pitched noises outside the window behind the blind. I looked down to check the time on my phone: 6 am. And I had this thought, as if interpreting those birds: not what do i want, but what do i have?

I open a page at random from E.E. Cummings Selected Poems:

‘i like my body when it is with your

body. It is so quite new a thing.

Muscles better and nerves more.

i like your body. i like what it does,

i like its hows. i like to feel the spine

of your body and its bones,and the trembling

-firm-smooth ness and which i will

again and again and again

kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,

i like,slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz

of your electric fur,and what-is-it comes

over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new’ (9)

I like that line: Muscles better and nerves more. What I surround myself with too, affects my muscles better and nerves more, what I get close to, what I have. These flowers, in this blue vase, on this writing table, small but adequate and more than enough affects my muscles better and my nerves more. Looking at the surface of the ocean, really just looking, small waves crashing and bouncing against blue like paint in a jar on a table in a boat in a storm. It must be something like that that happens between my muscles and my nerves when I touch you. There, I just touched you, and it was electric.

I was thinking about that thought–not what do i want but what do i have–because it kind of changes everything. Wanting is a kind of endlessness and a kind of emptiness; it misses the now of here where I can ask what do i have? I have muscles and nerves that twitch and light up when I look at flowers, the sea, read words, move paint, smile with a stranger, touch my cat, see a friend, watch a film, make a hot drink, sit on a chair….it’s quite a long list of things when i think about what i have and it provokes the answer of being grateful; because I must be for all that, but how?

‘birds(

here,inven

ting air

U

)sing

tw

iligH(

t’s

v

va

vas

vast

ness.Be)look

now

(come

soul;

&:and

who

s)e

voi

c

es

(

are

ar

a’ (12)

From twighlights vastness came the singing of the birds outside the window and I heard: ‘not what do you want; but what do you have?

Oliver Shaw. Monday 9 Sep. 7:20 am.