Dr Oliver Shaw

I sit here at my new writing desk on Monday morning and I am nice and quiet in my mind–like dusty cupboard I’m opening the door and the sunlight reflects the particles and it looks beautiful from here. I met a beautiful woman on the weekend, at the party, she told me she liked my pink beret. Yesterday she texted saying her cup was full. Here is some dust; some beautiful dust.

‘I had a plan

I was moving away

Far from the failure

and stress every day’

(From Leonard Cohen’s ‘The Flame’, p. 222)

The cupboard door is still open and I can hear the sound of the Brisbane pigeons now. They are not from Brisbane (they could be, I suppose) but the sound of them reminds me from that place where my Grandparents lived, but I write about that somewhere else. I want to write about courage now; about the courage to be myself. Because I’m free like a pigeon or at least I want to be like that, making beautiful noises every day.

Dancing is good for me. When I was at this party I wanted to go home from the failure and stress every day, I felt there, I was coiled up, but I just stayed there and kept moving my body until it loosened. I was alone, my friends were downstairs, in the smoking area or taking drugs. I had a plan I was moving away, moving away from the failure and stress every day. And it felt good. And she noticed me. She noticed me like that, like at the same time I noticed me loosening up from the failure and the stress. Just like that, she said, ‘I like your pink beret’. And I write it down here because it reminds me. And it’s good to remind yourself of your own personal courage even if it’s as tiny as staying put in your dancing spot alone until your body moves your cupboard mind away from the stress every day. And there’s light; the most beautiful woman comes up from some magical ethereal space behind you and compliments you.

She told me she does morning pages every day; I wonder if she’s doing that right now while I’m doing mine (this)?

‘you can always depend

on me

I’m going to come down

on the side of mercy

I’m going to come down

on the side of love’ (p222)

That’s courage; it’s an every day mantra: I’m going to come down on the side of love. Let’s listen to Leonard Cohen. I am not running away anymore from the failure, I’m just living in it now and every day despite the general stresses I say, yeah, alright, I’ll say, let’s have mercy, like self compassion, for our courages, yeah, I say, I’m going to come down on the side of love. I’ll try to remember to do it every day. Maybe you will too: what’s your tiny courage that makes you yourself every day?

I sent her too many messages and I think I’ve scared her away but I haven’t scared myself away from the courage to be me: I come in hot; I run hot; If I like you I love you and I’ll always come down on that side, even if you’ve got a plan of moving away. Because it’s as simple as that: I’ll be myself, and you be yourself, and if I stay and you run that’s both of us coming down on the side of love. It doesn’t have to be anything more than ‘I like your pink beret’ and me writing this to remember the feeling you gave me; like a bright blue hue shooting out from the stars that is your eyes, like directly into my cupboard mind; and your cup got full. And so it’s become a love note, this. And I hope it can be a strange and perfect reminder, of something at least.

‘Can’t we go back my darling

I’ve been away too long

Why did you leave us dancing

in the middle of the song’ (p.223)

And so this is what I wrote and this is what I found when I opened the cupboard door on the other side of town.

Painting from a while back by me.

More next week. Thanks for reading my blog (the dust).

Oliver Shaw. Monday 12 Aug 9:52 am.